


Best Chimis this side of the Salt Flats!

by MarvelouslyMadMM



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Mad Max Series (Movies)
Genre: Chimichangas, Comic Book Violence, Crack, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool as a Father Figure, Disjointed, Doing Dangerous Things, Gen, Rated for Deadpool's Language, Stream of Consciousness, Violence, damaged people, that isn't crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:59:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4243419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelouslyMadMM/pseuds/MarvelouslyMadMM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool is damned hard to kill. <br/>It's a blessing and a curse. A few years after the bombs wiped the US from history, taking the world and the water with it, Wade Wilson is spending his days puttering around in a beat up food truck. </p>
<p>He tells himself stories, and pretends that every person he meets is a customer, because Chimis make the world a better place. And the bad customers do break the tedium and boredom.</p>
<p>He offers the best Chimichangas outside of San Antonio, at the price of a bullet a chimi. He never expected to settle in- but he eventually winds up sticking around the Citadel, and his furious little Furiosa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How the West was Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Caution: This fic has DEADPOOL as the man character.   
> Just, so you get that, people new to Deadpool, he is Reddit and Tumblr in a human form, diseased in mind and body, prone to cussing and eloquence in the same sentence. Madder than a hatter and proud of it.   
> As an example:  
> When Joe calls him "Son of Loki" to the War boys, he means the Norse god of myth, but Deadpool reads that as Loki of the villainous (In the comics, Loki has a woman form for a few years) Loki- and is surprisingly okay with it excepting for the gold horns and green leather fetish. So he only breaks the War Boys that make what Deadpool sees as common sense fumbles in surgically repairable ways.

So, world ended. That sucked. 

But, he got his own chimichanga truck, and a bottomless freezer full of chimichanga fixings, so all is good. 

He putters around the ruins of America for a while, takes on a few raiding parties. Has a few raiding parties take him on. Saves a town, sticks around for a few years stockpiling bullets.

Leaves when the town runs out of bullets to trade. Well it was burning at the time, the raiders had been kind of rude, not waiting in line, shouting how it was theirs, the usual bad customer bit. Wade had a bear of a time with the big leather clad raider. No points for style. Or a sense of humor.

Boring. Ugh, what Wade wouldn't do for a nice throw down with a villain, or a hero, or anyone of any real caliber. These guys were chumps.

And he'd kinda liked the claymores that the town was producing before then. Ah well.

Skirted the blast zone of what had once been joint base Lewis-McChord, rumbles across a few states, does business in a few desolate ruins and desperate raiding colonies.

Gets bored with the remnants of North America, decides to drive across the land bridge from what was once Alaska to the ass end of what was once Russia and then was the Republic of China and then was the Asian Alliance, but now is blown to hell and has parts that glow radioactive green, and the parts that don't glow is mostly full of mutates that have no appreciation for a decent chimi and kept trying to steal his truck despite how common sense dictates that anything surrounded by corpses might be a bad thing to attack.

To be fair it is a pretty sweet truck, but you just do not try to take a man's chimis away. 

You also do not waste a perfectly good chimi by throwing it away to lunge at the man practically giving them away for the steal of a deal of a bullet a piece. 

He wasted like three bullets because of that altercation. And 8 whole chimis. And driving over those guys corpses had been a real pain.

So, onward. Australia is a hell of a drive. 

But hey, even if the people wind up being as boring as the rest, he's never fought a drop bear, so that'd be worth the drive if nothing else.


	2. Dropped by an un-Bear-able pun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, no water means no trees.  
> Which means no Koalas.
> 
> Boo.
> 
> Picked up a scrappy collection of painted kids and a furious little Furiosa though, so it isn't all bad.

Did you know Salt causes rust? Because it was news to Wade, and let me tell you, what Wade doesn't know could fill a library, so it isn't that shocking. 

What's shocking is that his truck managed to get rusted with no water. Seriously, life is just not fair.  
Drive across what was once a sea and the salt from what was once salt water rusts your sweet chimichanga filled ride. And then some rocks a days ride into the fine continent of Australia, manage to break the axle due to the rust and shitty luck or a really stupid plot device.

So, repairs are needed, boo- but hey! Perfect timing! Customers with some nice welded on spikes on their trucks! They obviously have some decent welders available, and tons of scrap metal!

SWEET! They even have plenty of bullets to spare, so Deadpool gives some free Chimi samples via a good overarm throw, and anyone who gets too handsy or shooty gets a katana to the throat or a bullet to the brainpan. 

It's really effective at selling the service, the pretty and half naked painted men stop shooting and start eating while they hook his truck up to a sled. A few grin up at Wade and talk about how Immortan Joe will be pleased that the "Food Server" came along for them. 

Wade smiles and doesn't correct them. He's got 'em hooked on the Chimichanga goodness, and that's the important part.

Well, that and his truck is getting towed into the closest town. A world without AAA is a world of darkness, as far as friendly towing goes.

Wade continues his generosity when he doesn't correct the General after he peers down at the iconic symbol for Deadpool painted on the truck and swears loudly that Loki's bastard has arrived. 

SCORE an Old World man with some taste, being able to recognize Deadpool's flaked off paint job on sight. Not so cool lumping him with Prince Spangly-Butt of the horns and boobs and green leather fetish, but ehhh, at least the old guy orders them to fix his truck and leave him be, on pain of being dragged to Hel.

Even warns the War Boys, what a sweet name, that Wade is a true son of Loki, and that his presence is both a blessing and a curse... 

Such flattery. 

Wade loves chatting with the little War Pups, shows them skating and digs out some ice pops from a forgotten corner of the freezer, one to each that manages to grab his hand before his hand touches their heads. They love the game, and Wade loves having kids with as many scabs and fuzzy short hair patches as he does. It's like the war boys are all cosplaying as him. It's pretty awesome.

After a few months his ride is sweeter than ever. It is now all shiny and chrome, with an embossed Deadpool Mask on the side, and someone even stitches him up a new mask to replace his old more holes than cloth original. 

It's enough to make him cry. 

Okay so maybe he does cry, and cling to poor War Boy that gave it to him, but hey, their hyper masculine culture could use a little hugging and healthy displays of emotion, so he just goes with it. The other boys watch but afterwards Wade notices that a few are starting to also do some hugging, so it's a win.

When they go on a big raid a few weeks after he's been gifted the replacement mask, Wade cheerfully follows, piping out his favorite tunes from his now repaired sound system, gleefully offering his Chimichangas to his favorite War Boys as they clamber back along the trucks, or swing back by him on motorcycles. 

It's a long 2 day trip out, and Wade loves every second of it- at least he loves it till they're attacking this group of Amazons, it's fucking lame and Wade should hate it, except... the mask giving War Boy, Nox, had thrust this little girl covered in blood into his hands when Wade had tried to go outside his truck and do something about this. 

She'd had a thousand yard stare and when Wade had moved her to sit she'd bit him viciously as an unthinking reflex before sitting numb and silent and angry in his side seat.  
She reminds him of another young and angry kid and Wade just focuses on her while ignoring all the other chaos, which is over far too quickly. 

Wade gets ready to start the truck when she finally speaks, angrily declaring she never wants to be with a Man, or bear a Man kids, so Wade looks her in the eyes and tells her she never will. He stabs her in the uterus, and stitches her up messily and dirtily, and she doesn't scream or shout the whole time. He likes her. She's furious and tough and doesn't take shit. When they stop for the night and someone comes back, Wade explains that she'd been injured, but he'd sewn her up. 

They thank him for the help. She never thanks him, but her eyes follow him. She screams and fights tooth and nail when they pull her away from him once they get to the citadel, and the Organic Mechanic is rumored to be sporting a new set of scars due to Wade's little ball of fury. 

She follows Wade everywhere, after the Organic Mechanic declares her infertile, thus completely unfit to be a wife. She's allowed to run around with the War Pups, and like many War Pups, Wade is a mother duck to her duckling.

So he teaches her. Teaches them all, but when the boys go back to their groups, Furiosa stays and demands he show her another move.

And she is such a good student. 

Especially after she is wounded in her first raid as a War Boy, thus loosing her flesh arm to gain a badass metal arm.

So, when she grows up and up and fights an Imperator to take his place, Wade cranks up the volume and putters along behind her rig every single time it goes out. 

Because that furious little girl of his needs some Chimichangas in her life. Damnit. 

She's never boring, and if when her eyes flash Wade is reminded of Cable, well, he can blame the tears on the sand if she asks. He does always cajole her to eat an extra Chimichanga when he gets too much sand in his eyes though.

Besides, he has a feeling she's the hero he was meant to find, or some shit like that. She's the only War Boy to keep a full life. It's gotta mean something. Or maybe he's just going soft in his old age. 

World may never know. 

Not that he really cares. Where she goes, he and his Chimis and his stockpile of guns and ammo and gun turrets goes. He's not loyal. But he likes Furiosa, and if he likes something, he keeps it close.

Besides, he's still not convinced that there aren't some drop bears still around, this is Australia. It's entirely possible that parts of it still haven't realized there was an apocalypse. Only way to find out is to keep driving with Furiosa on raids.


End file.
